Relationships and Communication

Stories, signs to notice and what to do

Three Hundred Contacts and Nobody to Call

Lena, twenty-six, moved to Toronto for a software job. She had hundreds of contacts on her phone and two video calls a week with her family in Kerala. Yet each Sunday evening she felt a hollow ache. She slept badly, caught every cold, and had started to dread weekends.

At a team lunch she laughed with others but came home feeling invisible. She told herself she was fine because she was not alone. Her mother noticed on a call and asked, 'Are you eating? You sound far away.' Lena said, 'I am surrounded by people, Amma, and I still feel lonely.'

Her mother did not argue. She said that being alone is a state, loneliness is the feeling that the connection you have is less than the connection you need, and that both are common. She suggested one small step. Lena joined a Saturday volunteer garden group, a place to show up regularly.

She was awkward at first. She brought tea for the group on her third visit, remembered a woman's name, and invited someone for coffee. It took weeks. By autumn Lena had two friends she could call. She said, 'Friendships grow slowly. I did not know I had to be the one to start.'

How to recognise it

• Feeling empty or disconnected even in a crowd or with many contacts.
• Poor sleep, frequent illness, low mood and dread of quiet times.
• Hiding the feeling because 'I am not alone.'
• Social media that leaves you feeling worse.
• Few people who really know and value you.

What this story explains

This story shows the chapter's difference between being alone and loneliness, why loneliness is a health risk, and how regular shared activity and reaching out build friendships.

Probable root causes

• Moving away from family and familiar community.
• Work-heavy routines with little shared time.
• Reliance on online contact in place of face-to-face contact.
• Shyness, fear of rejection or past hurt.
• Believing friendships should form quickly.

What to do

1. Name the feeling: 'I am lonely, and that is a real need, not a failing.'
2. Show up regularly at a class, club, faith group or volunteer role.
3. Be the one to reach out with a message or an invitation.
4. Share a little of yourself and invite others to do the same.
5. Be reliable and remember what matters to people.
6. See a doctor or counsellor if low mood or poor sleep continue.

Whom to consult

• Family doctor if loneliness comes with low mood, poor sleep or anxiety.
• Counsellor or clinical psychologist for long-standing isolation or social fear.
• A community or faith leader or group coordinator for ways to connect.
• Emergency service or hospital if hopelessness leads to thoughts of ending life.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Family: 'I am lonely here. Can we speak on Sunday evenings?'
• Listen with full attention and put the phone away.
• Ask open questions: 'How was your week? What happened next?'
• Avoid advice unless asked.
• Invite simply: 'Would you like to get tea after this?'

Three Words He Always Said

Carla and Diego, married eleven years in Mexico City, had the same argument most nights. She would say, 'You never help. You are just like your father.' He would roll his eyes and say, 'Here we go,' then fold his arms and leave the room. The children kept very quiet at the table.

Carla said afterwards that she felt like a stranger in her own home. Diego felt attacked and tired of being corrected. Neither wanted a divorce, but each could count their last kind sentence in weeks.

A friend mentioned that happy couples also argue, but avoid four habits: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They recognised themselves, especially the eye-rolling, which is the biggest predictor of breakdown.

They tried one change. Carla began gently: 'I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. I would like us to share them on weeknights.' Diego, instead of leaving, said, 'You are right, I did not notice how much you carry,' and when his chest tightened, he said, 'I need twenty minutes to calm down, and then I will come back.' He did come back. They finished with an apology, and Carla thanked him for the sink. It was clumsy, but the house felt different.

How to recognise it

• Repeated arguments using 'you always' or 'you never.'
• Mockery or eye-rolling, a sign of contempt.
• Excuses and counter-attacks instead of listening.
• One partner withdrawing or going silent in the middle of a disagreement.
• Children and the household tense, and warmth fading between the couple.

What this story explains

This story shows the Four Horsemen of conflict (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and their antidotes: gentle start, appreciation, taking some responsibility and self-soothing breaks.

Probable root causes

• Unspoken stress, tiredness and unequal workload.
• Learned patterns from the families both grew up in.
• Poor listening and little shared appreciation.
• Emotional overload that leads to shutting down.
• Not knowing how to repair after an argument.

What to do

1. Cool down first if emotions are high, with a 20-minute break and a promise to return.
2. Start gently with an 'I' statement and one issue at a time.
3. Let each person state their view while the other listens.
4. Reflect back what you heard before replying.
5. Find common ground and agree a plan, with a time to review.
6. Repair with a clear apology and a small act of connection.

Whom to consult

• Couples counsellor or family therapist if the same fights keep returning.
• Clinical psychologist if one partner has long-standing anger, anxiety or low mood.
• Family doctor if stress is affecting sleep or health.
• Emergency service or police if arguments become threats or violence.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Use the formula: 'When the dishes pile up, I feel overwhelmed, because I carry a lot. I would like us to share them.'
• Reflect: 'So you felt criticised when I said that?'
• Say 'You are right, I did not think of that.'
• Keep your voice low and slow.
• Apologise fully: name it, own it, ask how to make it right.

I Am Happy to Talk, But Not Like This

Thabo, thirty-three, from Johannesburg, said yes to everything. He covered shifts for colleagues, lent money to his cousin who never returned it, and answered his mother's calls at midnight even when she shouted about his sister. He had headaches, slept little, and snapped at his partner for no clear reason.

One night his mother rang and began shouting again. Thabo, who usually listened for an hour, took a breath and said, 'Mama, I am happy to talk, but I won't be spoken to this way. I will end the call if shouting continues.' She shouted louder. He ended the call kindly, and texted: 'I love you. Call me tomorrow when we can talk calmly.'

She was angry for three days. His cousin sulked when asked about the loan. A colleague said he had changed. Thabo felt guilty, but his friend Lindiwe said, 'Expect pushback at first. Boundaries are a form of respect, for you and for the relationship.'

He kept being clear, calm and consistent. He said, 'Thank you for asking, I cannot take that on right now,' without long excuses. In a month his mother called calmly, his headaches eased, and he had energy for his partner again.

How to recognise it

• Saying yes to everything while feeling resentful or exhausted.
• Taking responsibility for other people's feelings.
• Being spoken to in ways that hurt, with no limit set.
• Headaches, tiredness, irritability and poor sleep from overload.
• Guilt and fear when trying to say no.

What this story explains

This story shows boundaries and saying no, including emotional, time and material boundaries, that they should be clear, calm and consistent, and that pushback at first is expected.

Probable root causes

• Fear of conflict or rejection.
• Learned belief that love means constant availability.
• A family or workplace that expects one person to give more.
• Lack of practice in assertive communication.
• Guilt about putting one's own needs first.

What to do

1. Decide what limit you need: time, money, emotional space, digital.
2. Say it briefly and kindly: 'Thank you for asking. I can't take that on right now.'
3. Use the assertive formula: 'When…, I feel…, because… I would like…'
4. Follow through calmly if the limit is crossed, such as ending the call.
5. Expect pushback and stay consistent.
6. Look after your own rest, health and friendships.

Whom to consult

• Counsellor or clinical psychologist if guilt or fear of conflict is overwhelming.
• Family doctor if stress shows in headaches, sleep or mood.
• A trusted elder or friend to support you through difficult conversations.
• Emergency service or police if setting a limit leads to threats or violence.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Say 'I am happy to talk, but I won't be spoken to that way.'
• Keep your voice calm and even.
• State what you will do: 'I will end the call if shouting continues.'
• Offer a way forward: 'Call me tomorrow when we can talk calmly.'
• Listen to their feelings without taking over the problem.

She Stopped Seeing Her Friends

Ruth, twenty-eight, from Glasgow, met Callum at a party, and he was charming. After a year she noticed small changes. He checked her phone, was angry if she saw her sisters, and said her friends were 'jealous and fake.' He took over her bank card 'to help her budget.' When she laughed too loudly, he mocked her in front of others.

She began to feel afraid of his reaction. She apologised for things that were not wrong, cancelled plans and stopped answering her sister's calls. When she once said no, he went silent and then blamed her, saying that she was making him ill. She told herself it was her fault.

Her friend Aisha noticed she was thinner and quieter and asked her out for tea. She said, 'I am worried about you. You do not have to say anything, but if you ever want to, I will listen. It is not your fault.'

Ruth cried and told her about the control over her money, her movements and her friends. Aisha did not push her to leave. She helped her see a doctor and a trusted adviser, and to think about safety planning before any leaving, because that can be the most dangerous time. Ruth wrote down trusted contacts and kept a bag with important papers with Aisha.

How to recognise it

• Being afraid of a partner's reaction.
• Constant criticism or humiliation, including in public.
• Money, phone, movements or clothing controlled.
• Being cut off from friends and family.
• Threats, pressure or being forced to do things you do not want to do.

What this story explains

This story shows the warning signs of abuse, emotional, financial and digital as well as physical, the message that it is never your fault, and the need for safety planning before leaving.

Probable root causes

• A partner's wish for power and control.
• Isolation that removes outside views and support.
• Shame, fear and hope that the person will change.
• Financial dependence.
• Social silence about abuse in relationships.

What to do

1. Believe the person and say clearly that it is not their fault.
2. Keep in touch without pressure, and offer a safe place to talk.
3. Help them reach a trusted person, a doctor, or the police.
4. Encourage safety planning before leaving, with advice from a trained professional.
5. Help them keep important papers, contacts and money safe.
6. If there is immediate danger, call the local emergency number.

Whom to consult

• Family doctor for health, injury and mental health support.
• Counsellor or clinical psychologist experienced in abuse.
• A legal adviser or the police for protection and rights.
• Emergency service or nearest hospital if there is immediate danger or injury.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Say 'I am worried about you. It is not your fault, and you deserve to be safe.'
• Listen without interrupting or asking why she stayed.
• Offer: 'I will help however you choose.'
• Avoid ultimatums and judgement.
• Keep your tone soft and steady, and keep the conversation private.

Left on Read

Tariq, nineteen, from Dhaka, sent a message to his best friend Rafi and watched the screen. Seen, but no reply. By evening he was sure Rafi hated him. He sent three more messages, then an angry one, then deleted everything. He needed constant reassurance, and he feared being left. He scrolled through photos of friends at a party he had not been invited to and felt worse.

His girlfriend had ended their relationship two months earlier, and he was still grieving. He stopped eating properly, avoided his classmates, and lay awake. His older cousin Imran saw him one evening and asked, 'Do you feel better or worse after scrolling?' Tariq admitted, worse.

Imran explained that people have different attachment patterns: some crave closeness and fear abandonment, others pull away under stress. These are patterns, not labels for life, and patient, trustworthy people can help anyone move towards security. He suggested limits on night-time scrolling, a call with Rafi instead of messages, and keeping routines.

Rafi had simply been at his sister's wedding. When Tariq phoned, Rafi laughed and apologised. Tariq took time to grieve the breakup, avoided big decisions, and joined a football group. After a few weeks of low mood that did not lift, Imran helped him see a doctor. Tariq said, 'I am more than my last relationship.'

How to recognise it

• Intense worry and need for reassurance when a friend does not reply quickly.
• Social media leaving you feeling worse, with comparison and fear of missing out.
• Grief after a breakup: sadness, poor sleep, loss of appetite.
• Avoiding friends and activities.
• Low mood lasting weeks and interfering with life.

What this story explains

This story shows anxious attachment patterns, the effect of social media on connection, and the chapter's guidance on grief after the end of a relationship: allow sadness, keep routines, avoid big decisions and seek help if it lasts.

Probable root causes

• An anxious attachment pattern shaped by earlier experiences.
• The recent loss of a relationship.
• Comparison and fear of missing out on social media.
• Disturbed sleep and routine.
• Limited face-to-face support.

What to do

1. Ask yourself: 'Do I feel better or worse after scrolling?' and set limits.
2. Call or meet in person rather than only sending messages.
3. Allow the sadness after a breakup and lean on supportive people.
4. Keep routines for sleep, food, movement and study.
5. Avoid major decisions in the heat of the moment.
6. See a professional if low mood lasts and affects daily life.

Whom to consult

• Family doctor if low mood, poor sleep or appetite continue for weeks.
• Counsellor or clinical psychologist to understand attachment patterns and grief.
• A trusted elder, friend or teacher for support in daily life.
• Emergency service or hospital if there are thoughts of ending life.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Say to a friend: 'I felt anxious when I did not hear back. Can we speak?'
• Listen to feelings behind the words.
• Reflect: 'It sounds like you felt hurt and left out.'
• Avoid 'get over it'; say 'I am here.'
• Keep a warm tone and give your full attention.

This book is for education and general awareness. It does not replace diagnosis or treatment by a qualified professional. If anyone is in danger, contact your local emergency services.