She Stopped Seeing Her Friends

Ruth, twenty-eight, from Glasgow, met Callum at a party, and he was charming. After a year she noticed small changes. He checked her phone, was angry if she saw her sisters, and said her friends were 'jealous and fake.' He took over her bank card 'to help her budget.' When she laughed too loudly, he mocked her in front of others.

She began to feel afraid of his reaction. She apologised for things that were not wrong, cancelled plans and stopped answering her sister's calls. When she once said no, he went silent and then blamed her, saying that she was making him ill. She told herself it was her fault.

Her friend Aisha noticed she was thinner and quieter and asked her out for tea. She said, 'I am worried about you. You do not have to say anything, but if you ever want to, I will listen. It is not your fault.'

Ruth cried and told her about the control over her money, her movements and her friends. Aisha did not push her to leave. She helped her see a doctor and a trusted adviser, and to think about safety planning before any leaving, because that can be the most dangerous time. Ruth wrote down trusted contacts and kept a bag with important papers with Aisha.

How to recognise it

Being afraid of a partner's reaction.
Constant criticism or humiliation, including in public.
Money, phone, movements or clothing controlled.
Being cut off from friends and family.
Threats, pressure or being forced to do things you do not want to do.

What this story explains

This story shows the warning signs of abuse, emotional, financial and digital as well as physical, the message that it is never your fault, and the need for safety planning before leaving.

Probable root causes

A partner's wish for power and control.
Isolation that removes outside views and support.
Shame, fear and hope that the person will change.
Financial dependence.
Social silence about abuse in relationships.

What to do

Believe the person and say clearly that it is not their fault.
Keep in touch without pressure, and offer a safe place to talk.
Help them reach a trusted person, a doctor, or the police.
Encourage safety planning before leaving, with advice from a trained professional.
Help them keep important papers, contacts and money safe.
If there is immediate danger, call the local emergency number.

Whom to consult

Family doctor for health, injury and mental health support.
Counsellor or clinical psychologist experienced in abuse.
A legal adviser or the police for protection and rights.
Emergency service or nearest hospital if there is immediate danger or injury.

Do and don’t

Do	Don’t
Do believe her.	Don't blame her.
Do stay in touch.	Don't pressure her to leave suddenly.
Do respect her pace.	Don't confront the abuser alone.
Do help with safety planning.	Don't criticise him in front of her.
Do keep contacts safe.	Don't tell others without her consent.

How to behave and communicate

Say 'I am worried about you. It is not your fault, and you deserve to be safe.'
Listen without interrupting or asking why she stayed.
Offer: 'I will help however you choose.'
Avoid ultimatums and judgement.
Keep your tone soft and steady, and keep the conversation private.