Psychology for Everyone

I Am Happy to Talk, But Not Like This

Thabo, thirty-three, from Johannesburg, said yes to everything. He covered shifts for colleagues, lent money to his cousin who never returned it, and answered his mother's calls at midnight even when she shouted about hi…

Thabo, thirty-three, from Johannesburg, said yes to everything. He covered shifts for colleagues, lent money to his cousin who never returned it, and answered his mother's calls at midnight even when she shouted about his sister. He had headaches, slept little, and snapped at his partner for no clear reason.

One night his mother rang and began shouting again. Thabo, who usually listened for an hour, took a breath and said, 'Mama, I am happy to talk, but I won't be spoken to this way. I will end the call if shouting continues.' She shouted louder. He ended the call kindly, and texted: 'I love you. Call me tomorrow when we can talk calmly.'

She was angry for three days. His cousin sulked when asked about the loan. A colleague said he had changed. Thabo felt guilty, but his friend Lindiwe said, 'Expect pushback at first. Boundaries are a form of respect, for you and for the relationship.'

He kept being clear, calm and consistent. He said, 'Thank you for asking, I cannot take that on right now,' without long excuses. In a month his mother called calmly, his headaches eased, and he had energy for his partner again.

How to recognise it

  • Saying yes to everything while feeling resentful or exhausted.

  • Taking responsibility for other people's feelings.

  • Being spoken to in ways that hurt, with no limit set.

  • Headaches, tiredness, irritability and poor sleep from overload.

  • Guilt and fear when trying to say no.

What this story explains

This story shows boundaries and saying no, including emotional, time and material boundaries, that they should be clear, calm and consistent, and that pushback at first is expected.

Probable root causes

  • Fear of conflict or rejection.

  • Learned belief that love means constant availability.

  • A family or workplace that expects one person to give more.

  • Lack of practice in assertive communication.

  • Guilt about putting one's own needs first.

What to do

  1. Decide what limit you need: time, money, emotional space, digital.

  2. Say it briefly and kindly: 'Thank you for asking. I can't take that on right now.'

  3. Use the assertive formula: 'When..., I feel..., because... I would like...'

  4. Follow through calmly if the limit is crossed, such as ending the call.

  5. Expect pushback and stay consistent.

  6. Look after your own rest, health and friendships.

Whom to consult

  • Counsellor or clinical psychologist if guilt or fear of conflict is overwhelming.

  • Family doctor if stress shows in headaches, sleep or mood.

  • A trusted elder or friend to support you through difficult conversations.

  • Emergency service or police if setting a limit leads to threats or violence.

Do and don’t

Do Don’t
Do be brief and kind. Don't give long excuses.
Do be consistent. Don't shout back.
Do follow through. Don't give in after the first pushback.
Do rest and recharge. Don't carry others' feelings for them.
Do thank people who respect your limits. Don't punish yourself with guilt.

How to behave and communicate

  • Say 'I am happy to talk, but I won't be spoken to that way.'

  • Keep your voice calm and even.

  • State what you will do: 'I will end the call if shouting continues.'

  • Offer a way forward: 'Call me tomorrow when we can talk calmly.'

  • Listen to their feelings without taking over the problem.