Dasharatha’s Grief, Rama’s Steadiness

When Gopal Iyengar, seventy-three, of Thanjavur lost his wife of fifty years, he stopped speaking at meals. His son Venkat found him staring at her chair, refusing to move her saris. 'Without her, what is left?' he said.…

When Gopal Iyengar, seventy-three, of Thanjavur lost his wife of fifty years, he stopped speaking at meals. His son Venkat found him staring at her chair, refusing to move her saris. 'Without her, what is left?' he said. He barely slept.

One evening Venkat's wife Uma, who loved the Ramayana, read aloud a passage on the grief of King Dasharatha, who could not bear separation from Rama and was overwhelmed by his attachment. 'That is how grief can grip us,' she said softly. 'Love and loss are woven together. Even the king was not ashamed to weep.' Then she told him of Rama, who accepted exile with a steadier heart, honouring duty and still feeling pain, and who relied on companions Lakshmana and Sita for support. The story did not tell Gopal to stop grieving. It gave him company in it.

Uma and Venkat began to sit with him in the evenings, listening to his memories. They invited a temple group for the thirteenth-day rites and later for weekly bhajans. But after a few weeks, when Gopal still ate little, lost weight and said he wished to join his wife, Venkat took him to the family doctor, who arranged proper support for depression and grief.

Gopal still misses her. But he is eating, speaking and telling the grandchildren stories. 'Grief is the price of love,' he says now, 'but I did not have to carry it alone.'

How to recognise it

• Deep sadness, withdrawal, loss of appetite and poor sleep after bereavement.

• Keeping the dead person's belongings untouched, or constant yearning and searching.

• Sorrow that is expected in the first weeks, but does not ease or deepens after a few months.

• Statements such as wishing to die or join the deceased.

• Loss of weight, self-care and interest in family life.

What this story explains

The chapter's Ramayana sections on Dasharatha's attachment and Rama's response to loss show grief, attachment and steadiness in family life. Rituals and community support, together with medical care when grief becomes depression, help the mind to heal.

Probable root causes

• Death of a spouse, which removes daily companionship and role.

• Strong attachment and the natural process of mourning.

• Loneliness, ageing and health problems.

• Possible depression that can develop in prolonged or complicated grief.

What to do

1. Allow tears and stories of the person who died.

2. Keep gentle routines of meals, sleep, walks and company.

3. Use rituals, prayer, bhajans and festival gatherings to share grief with the community.

4. Sit with the person without hurrying them to move on.

5. See a doctor if grief seems stuck, health is failing or thoughts of death appear.

Whom to consult

• Family doctor if appetite, sleep or weight are affected or grief is not easing.

• Psychiatrist or clinical psychologist for depression or complicated grief.

• Grief counsellor or a trusted elder or priest for companionship and meaning.

• Emergency services or nearest hospital if the person speaks of ending their life.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Speak softly: 'I miss her too. Tell me about her.'

• Ask: 'Have you had thoughts of not wanting to live?'

• Use scripture stories only as company: 'Even kings wept.'

• Allow silence.

• Avoid advice, offer presence.