The Back Row

Tomás, nineteen, studies engineering in Lisbon. He is clever, but he sits at the back of every class, never asks a question and hurries out. Eating in the canteen feels like being on stage. When a lecturer asked him to p…

Tomás, nineteen, studies engineering in Lisbon. He is clever, but he sits at the back of every class, never asks a question and hurries out. Eating in the canteen feels like being on stage. When a lecturer asked him to present a project, he stayed up all night, felt sick in the morning and told the group he was ill.

He is not shy by choice. Before any social situation his face burns, his voice shakes and a loud inner voice says, "Everyone will see how stupid you are." Afterwards he replays every word for hours. He has stopped going to parties and has lost two friends who stopped asking.

His cousin notices and tells him she felt the same until she saw a therapist. Tomás learns that this is social anxiety, an intense fear of being judged, and that avoidance keeps it strong. With his therapist he practises small, planned steps: saying hello to a classmate, asking one question in a seminar, then a short presentation to two friends. He also tests his predictions: "Did anyone really laugh?" Most of the time, nobody had even noticed.

Tomás still feels his heart race before a presentation, but he now knows it is a signal and not a verdict. He has even begun to enjoy the quiet jokes he shares with two classmates after lectures.

How to recognise it

• Strong fear of being judged, embarrassed or humiliated in social or performance situations.

• Blushing, trembling, a racing heart or a dry mouth before or during contact.

• Avoiding classes, meals, meetings or speaking up.

• Long replaying of conversations afterwards.

• This has gone on for months and limits study, work or friendships.

What this story explains

This story shows social anxiety disorder, how avoidance keeps fear alive and how gradual exposure and testing thoughts help.

Probable root causes

• A naturally sensitive temperament, sometimes in families.

• Past teasing, bullying or humiliation.

• Harsh or critical comments at home or school.

• Beliefs such as 'I must never look foolish'.

• Avoidance that stops the brain learning that it is safe.

What to do

1. Write down the feared situation and what you predict will happen.

2. Make a ladder from easiest to hardest social step, then try one a week.

3. After each step, compare what actually happened with what you feared.

4. Shift attention outward to the conversation, not to how you look.

5. Use slow breathing before and during hard moments.

6. Join a small group around a shared interest.

Whom to consult

• Clinical psychologist for cognitive behaviour therapy, usually very effective.

• Family doctor if physical symptoms or alcohol use are growing.

• Psychiatrist if anxiety is severe or comes with depression.

• College or school counsellor for support with presentations and adjustments.

Do and don’t

How to behave and communicate

• Use a friendly, low-key tone: "No hurry. What would feel like a small first step?"

• Listen to their fears without arguing.

• Avoid asking in front of others.

• Ask: "What did you notice afterwards?" instead of 'see, nothing happened'.

• Show warmth through consistent invitations.